Control Freak

It is somewhat frustrating when you learn things about yourself that are not so wonderful.

I have come to realize that I struggle with the desire to have full control of my life and situations that I go through. If I can't have my hand in it at all times, then I feel as if I can't be content with the process and outcome of whatever the situation may be.

I recently dealt with a unique situation where I sought reconciliation with another individual over something that was troubling my heart for quite some time. I sent this individual a message explaining my heart and how I felt hurt and betrayed by a certain situation that occurred. The response wasn't ideal (from my selfish point of view). I realized after the fact that I had left out some pretty big details of things I was aware of that this person thought I had no idea about, things I should have mentioned, but did not. Because of my failure to communicate clearly, this person was left thinking things that were not accurate. Perhaps that explained the less than desirable response...perhaps not. Either way, I was left feeling defeated...

I realized that out of my desire for control, I had built up my own expectations for how this whole scenario should have unfolded. When I got a less than desirable response/outcome, I felt frustrated and upset because things didn't go how I wanted them to. (Very childish, I know)

And even now, my desire to control comes forth, causing me to wish that I could still explain myself better to this person and to make things right the way I see fit.

It is somewhat embarrassing that I act in this manner. #1 It shows my lack of trust in our sovereign Lord. #2 It reveals my ugly, selfish, childish pride.

I need to learn to be content and trust that the Lord knows what concerns my heart and will be faithful to make things right and work things out in my life for His good purposes, even if that means I don't get to have a say in how that is done. I think that the Lord used this particular situation to reveal to me my silly need for control, and how I have a tendency of not giving Him room to work.

I am learning how to accept things, even when they don't go the way that I want.



I have also realized that even though we are called to operate as a unified body of believers, we are still broken people who will still mess up from time to time and unfortunately hurt one another. All I can do (and must do) is allow God's love to permeate my heart and mind so that I can overlook the hurt I may face, and also be humbled with the truth that I too am broken and may hurt others (whether intentionally or unintentionally)at some point in this lifetime.


After all that's said and done, I am thankful for a Father who loves me enough to discipline me and teach me in a loving manner, so that I can become more like Him. I am humbled, yet thankful, that he uses my flaws to do so...








"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6