I am really wrestling in my mind about so much lately.
I have felt so aimless for such a long time.
I've always questioned what my passion is in life. What is it that drives me?
I mean, I have passions such as music/singing or cooking...yet I feel like I'm not driven enough by anything that gives me a goal and direction with life.
Is it because I'm not seeking God about it enough? Is it because of fear? Is it because of laziness?
In all honesty it's probably a combination of all three.
I feel like my walk with God has been so complacent and plateaued for a long time now. I know that I need to talk with him and listen to him in a daily purposeful time of prayer...but why don't I do it like I know I should and really want to? Do I really not care enough to speak with the God of the universe who made me, saved me, and takes interest in my life? I battle with that...and in all reality it's in my complete control...yet I don't do anything about it.
About a year before Kyle and I got married, we actually broke up. I didn't understand it, I hated it, and was so afraid that we really weren't going to be together. God worked a lot in both of our lives during that time we were apart, and by his grace he brought us back together. I am so thankful to be married to the man of my dreams. I am thankful for all that God taught me in that difficult time of trusting in him...but it's almost as if now that we are married and the story had its happy ending...I'm not so desperate to hear His voice anymore. I'm not so eager to spend time with him. It's like when everything is going just as planned, then I don't really seek Him like I did when I was desperate for answers from Him. I HATE IT. I don't want to be in this place anymore.
It's almost like the longer our relationship is stagnant, the more insecure I become in my faith. I have come up with so many questions and speculations about what I believe and why I believe it. It's really scary...the things I've believed all my life were things that I was either taught in school, sunday school, or through my parents...there are very few truths that I have purposed to understand and know for myself beyond what was told to me. I feel so uneducated about God's Word and what it says. Whenever I am faced with a challenge to God's Word, I want to defend it and then realize that I don't know enough to make an educated statement. When I realize things like this, it makes me want to read all of Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Bible, or learn the original Hebrew/Greek. But I never do. I just kinda forget about it, until I'm faced with it again.
I don't know. I'm so frustrated. I don't even know if anyone reads this blog...but I had to empty my thoughts somewhere.
I've been sitting at Starbucks for over 5 hours now. It's hard sharing one car...I mean I love Starbucks...but it's times like this when I start thinking too much.
Maybe I just need to go back to my original high school dream of becoming a famous singer/band with my husband...you never know, I guess.
Lord, help me.
3 comments:
leigh anna! dave just found your blog on facebook and told me about it
...i liked reading it.
keep sharing :)
Hello there,
Perhaps I know that we don't really know each other, more than mere old school acquaintances. However, I stumbled across your blog and strangely enough even my introverted self will very likely go crazy if I don't say anything. :p So with all sincere hope that God can utilize my past and my words for someone else, I speak. The words you have written remind me so much of when I first got married. I was a shift manager at sbux for 3 years while in school, our stove in our 1st apartment was missing dials and the br sink was in the bedroom, and heck we still have one car (we even had one stolen once), but now years later...one with a warranty! haha! I have felt complacent, excited, confused, and searched for what my gifts/passion might be. Now working on my third degree, I can see what God was doing as I fumbled around in that whole first one (I drew it out of a hat) :p ...man did I grow up some since then. And when Jeff quit his job while I had no job...well, God used that even more.
I say all this to say, I want you to know that God is working in ways that you can not see. He is preparing and shaping you now so that you can handle what he has in store for you. It will be challenging with disappointments, redirections, and unexpected things. You will mess up. But you will forever be the child of a God whose joy knows no bounds, a God who rejoices over you with singing. A God whose power can work through you in ways that you can not yet even comprehend. So, I encourage you, write down every blessing you can and celebrate even little joys, you will look back and smile and laugh. There is nothing like marriage to give you the opportunity to become more like Christ. Through this working out of faith and holiness in the environment of marriage all of my weakness is no longer hidden, and so to have I found previously unnoticed strengths. I pray that you two may seek God all of your days and that you would allow God's love to overflow the well of your heart that He created...in the way that only He can. Do not forget you are a child of a God who still speaks...to you. <3
Kara, I know it's been a while...but of course I remember you and your beautiful heart! I didn't realize who wrote that at first...but then I visited your profile and saw it was you! You have no idea how encouraging every single word was that you wrote in that comment. Thank you so much for speaking your heart to me. I am learning that God is at work, even when I have no clue what's going on right now. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, and I look forward to see what God is going to do in me from this point forward. He's already helped me learn so much about myself in these first months of marriage. Can't wait to be able to look back at this time in my life and see the all the reasons for it. :-)
Thank you again! You are wonderful.
Post a Comment